People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
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Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.