People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
By Kate Hatos
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this