People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word