Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out