Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

True.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

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me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

first you must answer his riddles

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.