People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
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soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
Love this guy
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?