People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
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I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
i was dropped as an adult
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
bury ourselves
