People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
I finally found a reason to live again.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.