Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if all the cashiers are married?

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Bring back the McRib

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.