People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”