People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
want me to check your oil?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.