Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep