Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.