People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.