people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
