people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
You Might Also Like
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight