People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
