People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
This is painfully accurate 😅
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
“what that mouth do?” complain
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all