People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
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How high do the levels go?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
in 3 months
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
it be like that
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon