Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”