People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I have many caverns
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show