I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
You Might Also Like
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”