People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you