People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse