Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

thoughts?

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?