People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
You Might Also Like
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.