People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question