People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
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“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Don’t make me out nice you.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Good morning.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo