Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them