People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer