People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My inexpensive home security system…
