People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.