People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.