People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I think I’m gonna be sick
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.