People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
“i miss shittin on people”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.