People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
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In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
same but as an audience member
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.