people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
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“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*Seductively hides in the woods
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY