people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
You Might Also Like
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Life with a cat in one tweet
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free