Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

Just how popey was the pope today?