People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
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Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha