People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
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You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
this was very charming
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Last-minute gift idea!
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I have never related to a cat more
