Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

They’re stuck in your pants?

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.