People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Breaking news:
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree