People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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Saturday
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift