Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.