people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
You Might Also Like
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Sir!!
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
I have never related to anyone more.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him