people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Let’s Go
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I don’t make the rules sorry
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit