People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.