People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
you don鈥檛 understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I don鈥檛 wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don鈥檛 want to go to
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 馃幎 I’m too sexy for my shirt 馃幎 Too sexy for my shirt 馃幎
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: 鈥es
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you鈥檒l figure it out
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Being married means never having to say you鈥檙e angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Although Paul Simon doesn鈥檛 specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.