People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
![]()
You Might Also Like
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.