People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.