People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
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My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
mom gave me mine for free
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.