People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”