People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me