Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Who’s ready for Friday?!

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

gm

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco