Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…