People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
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I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
c’mon!
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off