People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My patience has stretch marks.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo