Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Aaaa…CHOO!

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic: