Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Always this one for me forever

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

A bold strategy

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS