Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support