People swimming in rivers: brrr itโs so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: ๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ฅ
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A woman could tweet โMy dog just diedโ and she would get replies like โWell, Iโm not dead ;)โ
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Donโt put all your eggs in one sandwich.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-Itโs next Saturday.
-Sorry Iโm going to get sick and miss your party.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Jellyfish 1: iโm so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think sheโs flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
People say โ5 second ruleโ like thatโs a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
itโs Thanksgiving day. iโm carving a turkey. โahemโ i hear from across the house. itโs my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like โitโs in the bedroom down the hall.โ
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, youโre not fat youโre just flooded..
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out heโs been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter Iโve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
All Iโm saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasnโt all on the same day but still
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
The moon is in my awful neighborโs backyard. Girl, heโs the worst. What are you doing?
Croutons feel like an apology. โSorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.โ
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the โultra-cool dwarf starโ
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dogโs cute
me: everybody run
Haley: Hey howโs it going
Hayleigh: Iโm beighsicalleigh okeigh
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer