Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

good let them take over I have had enough

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

wtf

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Matthew was born for this.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Not all heroes wear capes.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.