Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a badder mouse

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]