People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed