Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

one week till the election

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

Meow?

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

My zodiac sign is pistachio

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Anarchy

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”