people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.