People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I drew y’all a little something.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.