People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…