People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
You Might Also Like
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
God has abandoned us.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans