@noog

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

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@dethbycofee

its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like it’s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?

@MartinMurtagh

Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer

@bencjenkins

Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.

@KKAlThani

If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.

@EndhooS

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

@Thedudish

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

@AbbieEvansXO

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy