People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist