People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Battery falling down a hole
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
i can’t wait that long
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?