Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.