People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.