People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.