People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
We’ve all been there
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving