People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
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Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Day 2 of my diet
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once