People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
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[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.