People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Breaking news:
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter